ENM Glossary

​Abundance mindset

The belief that there's enough love, time, and connection to go around when managed thoughtfully.

Further reading: ​Why polyamory is a garden, not a pie

Agreements

Mutual understandings between partners about how their relationship will work, created collaboratively and with input from all parties involved. Unlike rules (which are imposed by one person) or boundaries (which are personal limits), agreements are negotiated together and can be renegotiated as relationships evolve. Examples might include "we'll both get STI tested every six months" or "we'll check in weekly about how we're feeling."

​Anchor partner

A term some prefer to "primary partner." Someone who provides stability and security in your life, often involving shared responsibilities like housing or finances.

Anarcule A version of a polycule that leans more towards relationship anarchy principles. Not every member is romantically connected to others; instead, it functions more like a chosen family or community network where relationships are defined individually rather than following traditional romantic structures. Members may be friends, lovers, co-parents, or other meaningful connections without prescribed labels or hierarchies.

Attachment style

Patterns of how we connect and relate to others in relationships, typically categorised as secure, anxious, avoidant, or disorganised. Understanding your attachment style can help you navigate multiple relationships more effectively and communicate your needs clearly. Developed in childhood, these patterns influence how we seek comfort, handle separation, and respond to relationship stress.

Further reading: Polysecure by Jessica Fern

Barrier methods Forms of protection used during sexual activity, such as condoms, dental dams, or gloves.

Boundaries

Personal limits about what you are and aren't comfortable with in relationships, which protect your wellbeing and values. Unlike rules (which control others' behaviour) or agreements (which are negotiated between partners), boundaries are about your own actions and responses. Examples include "I don't want to hear details about your other relationships" or "I need two days' notice before social events." Boundaries are maintained by the person setting them, not enforced by others.

Check-ins Regular conversations between partners about how the relationship is going, any concerns, and changing needs.

Chosen family People who become your family through choice rather than birth or marriage. Often includes partners, metamours, and close friends.

Closeted Keeping your relationship style private, often due to social, professional, or family concerns.

CNM (consensual non-monogamy) An alternative term for ethical non-monogamy (ENM). Both terms describe relationship styles where people have multiple romantic or sexual partners with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved. Some prefer "consensual" whilst others prefer "ethical" - both emphasise the importance of honesty, communication, and informed agreement.

Coming out The process of revealing your ENM or polyamorous relationship style to others, such as family, friends, colleagues, or broader social circles. This can be a gradual process or specific conversations, and may involve significant emotional risk due to potential rejection, judgment, or discrimination. People choose different levels of openness based on safety, personal comfort, and life circumstances. Like LGBTQ+ coming out, this process is ongoing and personal to each individual.

Compersion The feeling of joy or happiness when your partner experiences joy with another person. Often described as the opposite of jealousy.

Further reading: Compersion blog series

Couple's privilege The advantages and assumptions that come with being in a recognised couple, particularly in polyamorous contexts. This can include social recognition, legal rights, decision-making power over shared resources, and the ability to veto or control a partner's other relationships. Often unexamined, couple's privilege can inadvertently harm or marginalise other partners in the polycule.

Cowboying/cowgirling

When someone dates a person in a polyamorous relationship with the intention of "riding off into the sunset" with them (making them monogamous).

Emotional labour The mental and emotional effort involved in maintaining relationships, managing emotions, and supporting others.

Emotional saturation Feeling emotionally overwhelmed by managing multiple relationships. Recognising when you've reached your emotional capacity.

Envy Wanting what someone else has. In ENM contexts, this might be envying a partner's new relationship or experiences. Unlike jealousy (which involves fear of losing something you value), envy is about coveting something you don't have. For example, jealousy might be "I'm worried they'll leave me for this new person," whilst envy would be "I wish I had the exciting connection they have with that person."

ERE (established relationship energy) The comfortable, stable energy of longer-term relationships. The deep connection that develops after NRE settles.

ENM (ethical non-monogamy)

An umbrella term for relationship styles where people have multiple romantic or sexual partners with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved. The "ethical" part emphasises honesty, communication, and respect.

Fluid bonding Choosing to have unprotected sex with someone after STI testing and agreements about safer sex practices.

Full swap Sexual activity with others that includes penetrative sex (often used in swinging contexts).

FWB (friend with benefits)

A relationship where friends engage in sexual activity without romantic commitment or expectation of a traditional romantic relationship. This arrangement typically involves clear communication about boundaries and expectations to maintain the friendship whilst enjoying physical intimacy. FWB relationships can exist within ENM structures and may evolve over time as feelings or circumstances change.

Garden party polyamory A relationship style that falls between kitchen table and parallel polyamory. Metamours are cordial and friendly when they meet at group events or gatherings, but don't necessarily seek out individual friendships or regular contact. Like guests at a garden party - pleasant and sociable when together, but not deeply involved in each other's daily lives.

Hierarchy A relationship structure where some relationships are prioritised over others, often with primary, secondary, and tertiary levels.

Informed consent Making relationship decisions with full knowledge of the situation. All parties should understand what they're agreeing to.

Inner work Personal development and self-reflection to understand your emotions, patterns, and responses better.

Intentional relationships Consciously choosing the structure and rules of your relationships rather than following default societal expectations.

Intersectionality Recognising how multiple identities (such as race, gender, sexuality, disability, class) intersect and interact to create unique experiences of privilege and marginalisation. In ENM contexts, this means understanding how someone's experience of non-monogamy may be shaped by their other identities and social positions.

Jealousy

A complex emotion involving fear, insecurity, and sometimes anger when you perceive a threat to a valued relationship. Unlike envy (which is wanting what someone else has), jealousy is about fearing the loss of something you already value. For example, jealousy might be "I'm worried they'll leave me for this new person," whilst envy would be "I wish I had the exciting connection they have with that person." Both emotions are normal in ENM relationships and can be worked through with communication and self-reflection.

Kink Sexual practices, activities, or interests that fall outside conventional or mainstream expressions of sexuality. This can include BDSM, role-play, fetishes, power exchange, and other consensual activities that some people find sexually or emotionally fulfilling. Kink and ENM often intersect as both involve exploring relationships and sexuality beyond traditional norms, though they are distinct practices that don't necessarily overlap.

Kink-shaming The act of judging, criticising, or making someone feel ashamed for their consensual sexual practices or interests that fall outside mainstream norms. This can range from subtle disapproval to outright harassment. Kink-shaming perpetuates stigma and can cause significant emotional harm. Creating kink-positive or kink-aware spaces means accepting that consensual adult activities between informed partners are valid, even if they're not personally appealing to you.

Kitchen Table Polyamory A style where all members of a polycule are comfortable being friendly with each other - comfortable enough to sit around a kitchen table together.

Love language

The primary way someone expresses and receives love, based on Gary Chapman's concept. The five love languages are: words of affirmation, quality time, physical touch, acts of service, and receiving gifts. Understanding love languages can help partners in ENM relationships show appreciation and affection in ways that feel most meaningful to each person.

Note: the concept and associated books are rooted in Christianity and sometimes considered problematic in an ENM context, but still provide useful suggestions in terms of determining and honouring the ways you and your partner give and receive love.

Metamour Your partner's other partner. Someone you're connected to through a shared partner but don't necessarily have a romantic relationship with yourself.

Mono/Poly A relationship where one person is monogamous and the other is polyamorous. Requires careful negotiation and understanding.

Mononormativity

The assumption that monogamy is the normal, natural, or only valid relationship style.

Nesting partner A partner you live with, regardless of hierarchy. Focuses on the practical arrangement rather than emotional priority.

NRE (new relationship energy) The excitement, passion, and intensity that comes with a new romantic connection. Similar to the "honeymoon phase" in monogamous relationships.

Non-hierarchical A structure where all relationships are considered equal, without ranking some as more important than others.

Ongoing consent The understanding that consent isn't given once but needs to be maintained. People can change their minds about what they're comfortable with.

Open relationship A committed relationship where partners agree that one or both can have sexual encounters with other people. Usually focuses on sexual connections rather than romantic ones.

Opening up

The process of transitioning from monogamy to some form of ethical non-monogamy.

Parallel polyamory A style where partners live relatively separate lives and don't necessarily meet or interact with metamours.

Paramour A romantic or sexual partner, particularly one in an extramarital relationship. In ENM contexts, this term is sometimes used to describe a lover or partner, though it can carry historical connotations of secrecy or affair-like relationships. Many people in ethical non-monogamy prefer more neutral terms like "partner" or "lover" to avoid implications of deception or illicitness.

Polyamory The practice of having multiple romantic relationships simultaneously, with the full knowledge and consent of all partners. Often shortened to "poly." From Greek "poly" (many) and Latin "amor" (love).

Polycule The network of people connected through polyamorous relationships. Like a "molecule" but for poly relationships - hence "polycule."

Polygamy The practice of having multiple spouses simultaneously. Historically and culturally associated with religious traditions and often involving one man married to multiple women (polygyny) or less commonly, one woman married to multiple men (polyandry). Unlike polyamory, polygamy typically follows traditional marriage structures and may not emphasise equality or individual choice for all parties involved.

Poly-friendly Services, venues, or individuals who are welcoming and understanding of polyamorous people.

Polysaturated The state of having reached your full capacity for romantic or sexual relationships. When someone is polysaturated, they feel they cannot take on new partners without compromising their existing relationships or personal wellbeing. This is a healthy recognition of personal limits and doesn't mean someone is "closed" permanently - capacity can change over time based on life circumstances, energy levels, and relationship dynamics.

Primary partner In hierarchical polyamory, the partner who receives the most time, energy, and commitment. Often a life partner, spouse, or person you live with.

Processing Working (by thinking or talking) through difficult emotions, experiences, or conflicts. Often involves exploring feelings deeply rather than just solving problems.

QPP (queer platonic partner) A partner with whom you share a deep, committed, intimate relationship that doesn't fit traditional romantic or sexual categories. These relationships may involve emotional intimacy, physical affection, shared living arrangements, or life commitments typically associated with romantic partnerships, but without romantic or sexual elements. QPPs challenge conventional relationship categories and are particularly important in asexual and aromantic communities, though anyone may form these meaningful connections.

Radical honesty A communication style emphasising complete truthfulness and transparency, even when it's uncomfortable.

Relationship anarchy A philosophy that rejects traditional relationship categories and hierarchies. Each relationship is unique and defined by the people in it, without predetermined rules or expectations.

Relationship escalator The societal expectation that relationships should follow a set path: dating → exclusivity → moving in → marriage → children. Many ENM practitioners choose to step off this escalator.

Relationship orientation The idea that some people are naturally inclined towards monogamy whilst others are inclined towards non-monogamy.

Risk awareness

Understanding the potential sexual health risks in your relationship network and making informed decisions.

Rules Restrictions or requirements imposed by one partner on another's behaviour or relationships, often without room for negotiation. Unlike agreements (which are mutually decided) or boundaries (which are personal limits), rules typically involve one person controlling another's actions. Examples might include "you can't have overnight dates" or "you must tell me everything." Whilst some couples find rules helpful initially, many ENM practitioners advocate for moving towards collaborative agreements and personal boundaries as relationships mature.

Scarcity mindset The belief that love, time, or attention are limited resources that must be hoarded or competed for.

Secondary partner A partner who receives less time and commitment than a primary partner, but more than casual relationships. The relationship is still meaningful and ongoing.

Secure attachment A healthy relationship style characterised by comfort with intimacy and independence.

Sexual health agreements Mutual understandings about safer sex practices, testing schedules, and what protection will be used with whom.

Soft swap Sexual activity with others that doesn't include penetrative sex (often used in swinging contexts).

Solo polyamory A form of polyamory where someone maintains their independence and doesn't seek to "couple up" or live with partners. They may have multiple relationships but prioritise their autonomy.

STI/STD (sexually transmitted infection/sexually transmitted disease) Infections that are passed from one person to another through sexual contact. STI is the preferred term as it's more medically accurate (many infections don't develop into diseases). In ENM contexts, regular testing, open communication about sexual health, and informed decision-making about safer sex practices are essential for the wellbeing of all partners in a relationship network.

Swinging A form of non-monogamy focused on sexual experiences, often involving couples swapping partners or group activities.

Triggers Emotional responses caused by specific situations, often rooted in past experiences or insecurities.

Unicorn Often refers to a bisexual woman willing to date a couple with no other relationships of her own. The term can be problematic as it often involves unrealistic expectations.

Unicorn hunting When a couple seeks a third person (usually a woman) to join their relationship, often with restrictive rules that benefit the couple.

Veto power When one partner has the right to end their partner's relationship with someone else. This is controversial in many ENM communities.