A Personal Journey Toward Compersion: From Jealousy to Joy

This is Part 3 of our Compersion blog series - read Part 1 and Part 2...

“When my partner Sam* and I first opened our relationship to ethical non-monogamy, we were excited—but we were also nervous. Like many couples new to ENM, we had concerns about how we’d handle jealousy and insecurity. After years of monogamy, it felt daunting to shift into a new dynamic where love and affection could be shared with others. Despite our excitement, neither of us really knew what to expect when it came to our emotions.

The first time Sam began to form a deep connection with someone else—let’s call them Alex—I experienced a flood of emotions. Sam was visibly happy, their excitement palpable as they spoke about their experiences with Alex. They were glowing with happiness, and while part of me was genuinely pleased to see them so joyful, another part of me felt something far less comfortable: fear.

I couldn’t help but wonder, What if Alex gives them something I can’t? What if Sam’s feelings for me start to fade? Jealousy crept in, and I began comparing myself to Alex in ways that weren’t healthy. My initial instinct was to protect myself from this perceived threat by distancing myself emotionally.

But something remarkable happened. Instead of letting the jealousy consume me, I paused and reflected. I asked myself some hard questions: Was Sam’s connection with Alex really a threat to our relationship? Did their happiness with someone else really mean they were pulling away from me? The more I reflected, the more I realised that Sam’s joy didn’t take anything away from me. In fact, Sam was still deeply connected to me, and their happiness with Alex was adding to their overall sense of fulfilment, which in turn made our relationship stronger.

When I allowed myself to let go of my initial fears, something unexpected happened—I felt joy. Not just for myself, but for Sam. Their happiness became something I could celebrate. I didn’t lose anything by Sam building a connection with Alex; instead, I gained the opportunity to witness someone I love experience something wonderful. This was my first real experience with compersion.

Over time, I realised that compersion wasn’t about suppressing jealousy or pretending it didn’t exist. It was about acknowledging my feelings, talking openly with Sam about my insecurities, and ultimately finding a way to celebrate their joy. This process wasn’t always easy, but it brought a level of depth and trust to our relationship that I hadn’t expected.”

*names have been changed

In the next post, we share some practical steps for nurturing compersion, whether you’re new to ENM or simply looking to strengthen your emotional toolkit.