Why Polyamory is a Garden, Not a Pie

At ARC, we love metaphors that bring relationships to life. One of our favourites is the idea that polyamory is a garden, not a pie. This analogy captures the essence of how love and connection can grow and thrive in non-monogamous relationships, challenging the mononormative narrative that love is a limited resource.

The Pie Myth

In mononormative culture, love is often viewed as a pie. This perspective assumes that there’s only so much love to go around, and giving a slice to someone else inevitably leaves less for others. It’s a mindset rooted in scarcity, promoting the idea that adding a new relationship inherently takes away from existing ones.

This "pie thinking" can lead to jealousy, insecurity, and competition within relationships. It’s an understandable concern when we’re conditioned to believe that love is finite, but it’s also a limiting belief that doesn’t reflect the diverse ways humans can connect and care for one another.

The Garden Mindset

In contrast, we see polyamory as a garden, where relationships are like plants. Each plant has its own unique needs - some thrive in the shade, others need plenty of sunlight and water. Tending to one plant doesn’t take away from another; in fact, with thoughtful care and attention, the entire garden can flourish.

Here’s why this metaphor resonates:

1. Love is Abundant, Not Finite: Just as there’s no limit to the number of flowers that can bloom in a garden, there’s no cap on how much love you can feel or share. Adding a new plant to the garden doesn’t steal nutrients from the others if the soil (your foundation) is healthy and well-tended.

2. Diverse Needs and Expressions: Every plant in a garden is different, just as every relationship is unique. Some relationships may require more time and energy, while others are more self-sustaining. Recognizing and honouring these differences allows the garden - and your relationships - to thrive.

3. Intentional Care: A flourishing garden requires care, attention, and intention. Similarly, polyamorous relationships rely on open communication, clear boundaries, and mutual respect. Neglecting one relationship for another can lead to imbalance, just as ignoring a plant’s needs can cause it to wilt.

4. Resilience Through Diversity: In a garden, diversity creates strength. A variety of plants supports the ecosystem and makes the garden more beautiful and dynamic. In polyamory, each relationship adds richness and depth to your life, creating a more vibrant and fulfilling experience overall.

   
   

Letting Go of the Pie Mentality

Shifting from the pie mentality to the garden mindset requires unlearning old patterns and embracing a more expansive view of love. This can feel daunting, especially if you’ve been conditioned to see relationships through a lens of scarcity. But just as a gardener learns through trial and error, polyamorous individuals and partners can grow together through communication, patience, and mutual understanding.

Cultivating Your Garden

If you’re exploring polyamory or already navigating a non-monogamous lifestyle, here are some tips for tending to your relationship garden:

• Communicate Openly: Like checking the soil, regular check-ins with your partners ensure that everyone’s needs are being met.

• Set Boundaries: Every garden has its borders. Establishing clear boundaries helps maintain harmony and prevents overgrowth or imbalance.

• Celebrate Growth: Take time to appreciate how your relationships enrich your life. Each plant adds something unique and valuable to the garden.

• Tend to Yourself: The gardener needs care, too! Make sure you’re nurturing your own well-being so you can show up fully for your partners.

  
  

A More Beautiful Garden

Polyamory isn’t about splitting a finite resource; it’s about cultivating a space where love and connection can grow freely and abundantly. By embracing the garden mindset, we can challenge the limits of traditional narratives and create relationships that are as vibrant and diverse as nature itself.

At ARC, we’re here to help you nurture your relationship garden - whether you’re new to polyamory or looking to deepen your communication and connection. Let’s grow something beautiful together.